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Darkness
A while back, I blogged about the TV series White Collar which had quickly become a favorite of mine. One of the many things I liked about it was that it was a clean show. Before I wrote that blog, I had seen an interview clip on the internet where the actors discussed how they enjoyed making television that was clean enough that their (older) children could watch with them. Unfortunately, their enjoyment of making a clean show apparently did not outweigh the other pressures on them. I am now sad to say that I hope you didn’t start watching this show based on my recommendation. (Because I don’t have cable, I see it on Hulu several months after the shows initially air on the USA Network). While I still like the show, and many of the episodes could be described as clean, others are clearly not. I wish the producers would have left the steamy, unfastening of clothing scenes out or that the actors and actresses could have refused to participate.
We tried watching a British television show, Downton Abbey, on Netflix. Disappointingly, it was the same story. While I really liked the show in general, and I did see an episode with nothing bad in it, other episodes had material I simply didn’t care to see. After 2 1/2 episodes, I knew that I couldn’t pretend that this show was virtuous lovely or of good report. The other night we went to see the movie The King’s Speech (pg-13) at the theater. I really enjoyed it; perhaps I will publish a separate review. Anyway, before the feature started, we had to sit through the previews. I know that I am prudish but I couldn’t help but wonder what sort of culture would view the sort of things spotlighted in the previews as entertainment.
All this reminded me of one of the scriptures that was in the lesson I prepared for today at Church from Philippians 2:
15That ye may be blameless and harmless, the asons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse bnation, among whom ye cshine as lights in the world;
I don’t always feel like a shining light, and I’m not always completely sure how to be one, but I can recognize the dark. It is discouraging how much darkness is in our media. It does make it feel as though one is “in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation.” It is a shame that it can get to the point where it feels like perhaps it would be best not to turn on the television or go to the movie theater or wait in the checkout line at the grocery store! I hate turning my back on books, movies, and TV I otherwise enjoy, but if I don’t, am I taking poison with my cake?
My treasures
Two weeks ago, we had a big regional church meeting for hundreds of the LDS congregations in our area. The president of the Church’s women’s organization was one of the people who spoke. Her remarks about mothers and computers caught my attention. Sister Beck expressed the hope that mothers would benefit from having computers as tools in their homes, but worried about those who might neglect more important things (children, for example) for the less important things that can steal one’s time on the internet.
Shortly before hearing her talk, I had posted a lengthy review of Mimi’s Cafe, which, while pleasant enough, isn’t close to being my favorite or my highest local recommendation. I love to write reviews, but it seems obvious that the reviews I write are not that important or valuable–to me or anyone else. I simply enjoy writing them. This has caused me to think in the days since her talk about the worth of blogging, my blogging particularly. I don’t have it all figured out yet.
Things I know:
1) Keeping a journal is good, and blogging is often a form of journal keeping.
I have never managed to keep a journal for any extended period, although I think it is a good thing to do. Although I have not been the world’s most consistent blogger (and worse recently), I have managed to record lots of things about my life with my blog. The thought that someone might read motivates me and then I end up with a much better record than I would have if I weren’t posting it.
2) Blogging is fun!
3) Blogging (and other forms of social media) can be a good thing to do, a good use of time. Sister Beck’s talk made me wonder whether in blogging (and in writing restaurant reviews on Urbanspoon) I am wasting my time on something that isn’t very valuable (and is sometimes a complete waste of time). However, I was initially motivated to blog by Elder Eyring’s talk on keeping a gratitude journal and by Elder Ballard’s talk on sharing the gospel. Although I lost sight of the gratitude theme of this blog over time–probably because grateful optimism doesn’t come naturally to me–that is exactly why a gratitude-centered blog is helpful to me–because it doesn’t come naturally. And so if I re-remind myself periodically that my intent is to write about my life with a positive gloss (not a whiny or negative one), this can really be helpful. When I write about my glass as half full rather than half empty, it becomes true. Writing it down helps me to conceptualize it that way.
I have enjoyed reading other’s blogs–I think of my cousins’ wives who I would not have known as well, and of others who have inspired me, helped me to count my own blessings, made me laugh (we’re all on this motherhood ship together) or just offered useful tips. Motherhood is isolating and some of us are more clueless than others. I need useful tips!
4) Sister Beck is right. The internet can be a big time-sink. There are a lot of valuable things I could do with my time; it is far too easy to let the internet eat it all up.
Big questions left over: I’m still thinking about all this. These thoughts push me in the direction of writing more about my kids (though with an 11 turning 12 year old this is increasingly problematic), more about gratitude and important things, and less on restaurant and product reviews. Unfortunately, I really like writing product reviews. Suppose we designate writing product reviews my hobby (I don’t scrapbook, waterski, ride horses, play Bunko, watch television, or cross-stitch). Hobbies are defensible, aren’t they? Are they? How much leisure time can we spend on doing things that really aren’t valuable or important, but just fun?
3 service scenarios: 1. You donate blood. 2. You make a dish for a funeral luncheon. 3. You help paint the local school playground. All three types of service are laudable. Each situation involves sacrificing a precious resource–time. Unfortunately, it is easy to feel disappointed, to believe that the resource we offered has been squandered. Has it?
Duncan, despite his current wall-drawing, house destroying, desire to be a clown rather than be obedient ways, is a sweet boy and a hard worker. He is so eager to make a contribution, to help in the family’s work. But it can be difficult to make significant useful contributions when you are only 5. The other day I found him helping his Daddy clean the basement. Somehow he ended up with the job of examining a box of old receipts. He was supposed to locate and remove any clips that might be holding the piles together. He did this by examining each receipt in the box one at a time for 45 minutes (Daddy got a lot done!). An adult could have accomplished the same result in under a minute. The receipt sorting was a make work project, but it sure made Duncan feel useful.
Is the adult who donates blood at a time of surplus (however slight) in a different situation? Donating blood is a good thing to do. Heaven knows we need people to donate blood. Blood supplies often run low. But consider: blood has a specific shelf life. Blood donation rates rise and fall. This means that sometimes there is a surplus. Yet how often do bloodbanks turn donors away? If you donate blood and it doesn’t find its way to a patient who requires a transfusion, did you squander your time as well as your blood? Was it pointless service or did it have a point?
My question is the same for the playground painting and the funeral luncheon dish. If you sign on to help paint the local playground, but 100 others show up as well, so you stand around talking and waiting for your turn to use the paint (the organizers prepared for 20) was your service pointless? If the funeral is not well attended, donated dishes may exceed eaters. Your pan may come back empty, but it wasn’t the bereaved who enjoyed your cake. Was your service pointless?
Why not? Why is this type of service not pointless? Can you explain it? Does your rationale apply to other things like voting as well?
“Be of good cheer” or “Mourn with those who mourn” or both? Doubtless I’m a peddler of false dichotomies . . .
This week I visited a neighbor at a local care facility. She had a stroke. Strokes are no fun. Recovering from a stroke is a lot of hard, painful work. My neighbor mentioned that she wouldn’t wish this experience on a worst enemy. I believe her. But I responded with as many sunny things to say as I could think of. “Oh, this is such a nice facility–brand new–you are so lucky! “Oh, it sounds like you have a great physical therapist!” “You have wonderful daughters, don’t you?”
Suddenly, I remembered the Barbara Ehrenreich interview I had listened to on NPR that morning. She talked about her experience with breast cancer. As Ehrenreich tried to talk about her suffering with friends and acquaintances she found they all told her to look on the bright side. One person said she should consider the cancer experience “a gift.” She found these reactions incredibly frustrating. She wanted (needed?) others to acknowledge how scary her cancer was, how terrible it was that this was happening to her, and to agree with her about the barbarity of the treatments. Instead she got saccharine chin-up exercises.
Ehrenreich is highly secular. But my religious beliefs counsel sharing suffering with others as well. A Book of Mormon prophet named Alma asks his people if they are ready to enter the fold of God and be called his people. He further asks if they are “willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things” (Mosiah 18:9) He suggests that if they are ready to do these things (in addition to a few others), they are ready for baptism.
As a Christian, I want to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who need comfort. If I visit a sick person, a friend who has just divorced, or an unemployed relative, and offer nothing but happy-think, am I failing at the empathy the Gospel demands? Am I failing the requirements of friendship? Am I failing as a sister?
Perhaps the answer is situational. Sometimes you need someone to listen to your tale of woe. Other times you need someone who cares about you enough to tell you to stop wallowing. What do you think?
One of the callers on the radio program pointed out that while both Ehrenreich and a cancer victim who embraced happy-think might have recovered, the other victim is now enjoying life while Ehrenreich is still angry. If happy-think ultimately leaves someone better off (happier or more productive or better able to move on with life), is it always best to be the friend that encourages happy-think or does compassion sometimes demand otherwise?
Let’s table the friend conundrum. Is being sad and angry okay? Should we always be trying to get ourselves to a happier, more cheery mindset? Is it appropriate and proper to acknowledge that suffering hurts, that some things just suck? Christ teaches us in the New Testament that “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) To “be of good cheer” is a common scriptural imperative. Christ says it to his disciples on the stormy sea. Paul is counseled thus on his way to Rome. Some of the most beautiful cheer imperatives are found in the Doctrine and Covenants [LDS Scripture]:
Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come. D&C 68:6
Ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. D&C 78:18
Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed. D&C 123:17
These verses seem to suggest that faith brings cheer. Doubtless that is so. But is there room there for the experience of suffering? How does it work?
I know that many have counseled putting the computer(s) in a common area of the house or even a high traffic area. Pornography is truly a scourge. It’s obvious that the information children might share over the internet needs monitoring.
On the other hand, Pdad works at home and has his office in an isolated corner of the basement so that I don’t have a painful, always-shushing-my-children kind of life. He is on the telephone most of the day and the tones of little voices–raised either in happy play or in sibling ire–just do not provide a good background for his important business calls. Also, he travels, spending many nights in hotels. Realistically speaking, if his resolve to avoid pornography depends on a fear of family members walking by, he’s in big trouble, because usually there won’t be a family member walking by. It isn’t possible to un-isolate his computer unless we are prepared to move back to company headquarters.
So–no-brainer right? If we can’t move Pdad’s computer, we can’t. But what about the kids’ computer? Children are still developing their judgment. They need to be monitored. We handled this for a while by having one computer with the internet (use for children by permission only) and one for homework. But what made sense in theory didn’t work in practice. How do we look up words? At Merriam-Webster.com. How do we check which books are in at the library? On their internet site. How do we research which new books we want? At Amazon. How does Amelia find images of the Sphinx for her big school project? With Google.
So for a while now, the kids have had relatively unfettered access to an internet-enabled computer in the family room. The problem: our family room is a very public part of our house. It is where all the toys are. It can be very difficult to focus on your homework when smaller monkeys are whooping and hollering and having fun, or even targeting you for distraction. Because of Amelia’s motor issues, she must type all her homework on the computer. How do I get her the quiet she needs while also having her computer in an area where it can be monitored?
Again, where is your computer and why?
Self-Deceived
I was craving something healthy. I’d spent the past few days silently snitching bits of birthday chocolate all day long. I can easily go a few days on cold cereal, yogurt, and chocolate, but then I wake up: What am I doing to my body?! Today was one of those waking days. So, despite it already being 6 p.m., and despite an evening of single-parenting ahead of me (attn ax-murderers: Pdad’s flight should land within the hour) I decided I HAD to make real food or perish.
It went surprisingly well. Duncan played sweetly with Kate. (Do you hear the choir of angels singing? I hope so, because it was a miracle). Amelia worked on her homework. I cooked. I made bistro salad–the number one best way to consume lettuce. It was past kid bedtime before we all finally sat down at the table. They hadn’t killed each other and I’d managed to keep them from spoiling their dinner or having hypoglycemic meltdowns with some carefully timed snacks. It was a good moment.
I said the blessing on the food. With great sincerity, I thanked Heavenly Father that we could sit down together and eat “real,” “healthy” food. I finished the blessing and picked up my fork. Amelia looked at me quizzically: “Why did you say that about healthy food in the prayer? Is Boursin cheese healthy?”
She got me!
For the uninitiated: Bistro Salad is mesclun mix coated generously with a thyme-mustard vinaigrette–plenty of oil, topped by bacon and eggs, and with a side of Boursin toasts. Healthy? On balance, probably not. Delicious: Oh yeah!
Question: If one only enjoys vegetables prepared in artery-clogging ways, is it still better to eat vegetables than not to eat vegetables?
To cover the garden with sheets or not to cover, that is my question. I have several nice looking tomatoes–nice except that they are still so green. I would like to save them, but they are ripening so much more slowly now than before. If we are to have just one or two days of freezing temperatures, followed by several warm days, then covering is probably worth it. If it going to be near freezing almost every night all month, then probably not.
I have become so disenchanted with the cucumber and so exhausted by the zucchini that I don’t much care what happens to them any more. I do play favorites– I would pretty much be willing to cover my basil every night all month if I thought it would work.
We did cover last night. It did work. Things that were covered survived (except for small branches on the tomato plants that broke off) and some of the things not covered shriveled (But apparently that cucumber laughs at cold!).
In other news, this is my birthday week. A sudden attack of paranoia prohibits me from revealing exactly when or exactly how much, but this is the oldest I have felt in approaching a new birthday in a long time (since I turned ten? eighteen? thirty?) I am not yet forty, but to me this particular birthday means “almost forty” and it is a weighty feeling. I wonder if when I turn forty it will still feel weighty or if I will be used to it by then?
Anyway, I am getting pretty old. I have seen the first few silver hairs. I am almost too old to have children. A lot of the milestones in my life are past. Weird. When did this happen? I wasn’t paying attention.
And what next? My zucchini is wilted and pathetic. Hopefully, I am not. What does my new season bring?
But not mine?!
On the radio I just heard that some people are concerned about President Obama’s plan to address public school children next Tuesday. I thought, well, there’s always a minority with strong and vocal views. And then, at almost the same moment, I came across a note from Amelia’s school. They do not plan to show the speech to the children. Their first reason makes sense, they don’t have the bandwidth to stream it without interruption. Their second reason left me incredulous:
This will [also] give us a chance to review the speech so we can select segments that would tie directly to our curriculum. If we do decide to show a clip in the future, parents will be notified to give their permission or to have their student participate in an alternative assignment.
“If we do decide”? You’ve got to be kidding!
[I should not be blogging because I am still so stirred up, but I just can't help it.] This is something that I don’t understand at all. Perhaps some of my more conservative readers could explain this to me, because I can’t make sense of it. My child’s school needs to preview the speech in which the President is scheduled to “challenge students to work hard, set education goals, and take responsibility for their learning” because this may or may not tie in with their curriculum? I have a suggestion: [Such-and-Such] Elementary if you find something about “challenging students to work hard, set education goals, and take responsibility for their learning” that does not tie in with your curriculum, then consider changing your curriculum!
Also, am I to understand that the principal and teachers at my daughter’s school, who are completely unelected are going to substitute their judgment for that of our elected President? Now I understand that a lot of people feel education decisions need to be made at the local level, but this is ridiculous.
Apparently, there’s still the possibility that they will show a “clip” in the future. The entire speech is only twenty minutes! I wonder, does my daughter’s school plan to pre-review the local sports teams that will visit during assemblies this year? Will they edit those presentations for what ties directly to the curriculum? Or perhaps local sports stars have more legitimacy than the President of the United States?
I am shocked and saddened. I really like my daughter’s teacher, but to me this episode is a huge black mark on my view of her new school. On Tuesday, I will be keeping her home to watch the President’s speech. And Duncan’s school? I am calling the principal to ask his plans.
Updated to Add: I spoke with Duncan’s principal. His elementary school (same school district as Amelia’s elementary school) is going to show the speech to all of their 2nd-6th graders. They are allowing parents to attend the presentation with their children if they wish or to opt out and have their children do some other supervised activity. Since there is such a controversy, I think the school is probably doing the right thing. On the other hand, I think it’s ridiculous. They won’t be sending opt out notices for the rest of the assemblies they have this year. And the other outside groups coming won’t be offering them a transcript of remarks ahead of time either.
The principal thanked me and sounded very grateful that I had called. Apparently, he had been talking to people who do not believe the speech should be shown at school before he talked to me and was glad to talk to someone who didn’t think he was doing the wrong thing. It is important not to be silent, even if you agree with the position your school is taking.
Kate tells us that she is “goge.” Now, in general, her speech issues seem to have really improved. Her vocabulary has expanded considerably. She has even blurted the occasional five word phrase. Hooray! Articulation, however, continues to be a struggle. Our new problem: Kate is constantly “goge” and we don’t know what that means.
Here’s what we’ve figured out so far:
a) Goge is not good. You do not want to be goge. If you feel goge (or is it goke? goque? gogue?) you also want to whimper.
b) Goge is related to cold. When Kate fills her cup with ice and holds it for a while (she adores ice), she becomes goge. She will tell you that her hands are goge. You can verify this by feeling them. Yep, they’re cold.
c) Goge is not the same as cold. Temps have been hitting 80s and 90s here and Kate is goge inside the house (too much airconditioning?) and outside.
d) Kate is most likely to be goge when she does not want to nap.
e) Boredom and feelings of dislike can also trigger goge-ness.
e) Hands, teeth, bottoms, all sorts of body parts can be goge.
f) “Me goge” should not be confused with “Me gog.” “Me gog” means that Kate has transformed into a four legged creature who “oofs” and hops across the floor. Being gog is apparently very funny, being goge is nothing to laugh about.
Of course, I guess I didn’t actually miss it. I was here at that moment—busy trying to record it. Is there a lesson in that somewhere?