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A daddy who likes to read with the kids.
Pdad stayed home from Church today with a pathetically sick Kate. When I returned home with the other kids, I saw this:
Table set, Dinner ready
The house smelled wonderful. I love being married to a man who can cook.
I also saw this:
Homemade bread, pesto spread, and charming note!
Background
When we moved to this house, our yard was such a mess that we had to start over. With the exception of several rose bushes, a snowball bush, the arborvitae, and an apricot tree, it’s all new.
How things looked when we moved in
Pdad and I were both completely ignorant about landscaping and plant selection. The only thing we knew for sure was that we needed expert help. We hired a consultant to come talk to us. That experience underlined the fact that we didn’t even know what we didn’t know. Well, several classes, and three additional consultations with different horticulturalist and landscape design experts later, we knew a lot more. We had some expert suggestions and sketches of what we should do.
However, I had meanwhile become obsessed with plant selection. In informing myself of what I didn’t know, I had fortunately and unfortunately developed strong preferences. Although definitely still a novice, I couldn’t but help but question every suggestion we were given. Ultimately I realized that what I really wanted was to plan which plants we would get and where we would put them myself. I didn’t want to follow someone else’s plan regardless of whether it was well or carefully done.
So here’s why Pdad is so great:
When I ultimately decided to set the experts’ counsel aside in favor of carrying out my own plans for our yard, Pdad gave me his blessing. a) This was brave. He knew what a novice I was. b) This was brave. We’d paid good money for valuable opinions and were tossing them aside. c) This was brave. He knew I was planning a design burdened under constraints he didn’t understand and/or agree with. For example, none of the local professionals we spoke with was particulary knowledgeable about or interested in waterwise gardening. By contrast, I insisted that all of our landscape plants be waterwise. This was not important to Pdad, and it was a constraint that made things a lot harder (waterwise irrigation anyone?). But he allowed me to carry out my vision. Another example of this was when I decreed that we would have no yellow flowers of any kind. Pdad saw no reason to ban yellow flowers from our premises (“Why is it we’re not doing yellow, again?). I attempted to explain how it was like poetry: by operating under artificial constraints (such as using a limited number of syllables or only certain colors in the palette) we would birth beauty through discipline. Pdad rolled his eyes at me. (I deserved it!) But then he cheerfully worked with me to accomplish my vision of a purple, and pink, and red, and blue, but never yellow, yard.
Outcome
This Spring I have felt smitten by our plants every time I walk outside. I feel stunned every time I walk out the door that the Nepeta (Catmint) can look that beautiful, that the May Night Salvia pairs with it so perfectly, or that the crimson creeping thyme has become so vigorous and spread so far. Please don’t misinterpret–I don’t make this observation so that you will know what a showpiece our yard is. In retrospect, I can see that I have made some significant mistakes. I was a novice after all. So, even though the Nepeta is ravishly beautiful, I look at the garage window next to it, and realize that the spot called for something much taller –probably a bush or small tree. Eventually, I think we will be digging that gorgeous Nepeta up and planting something else–probably a purple leaf sandcherry like the experts recommended! Also, I marvel at our Red Valerian (Jupiter’s Beard), but then notice that the Rose Glow Barberry behind it is the wrong backdrop for it. The valerian’s blossoms disappear against the barberry’s red foliage. And what of the Compact Pineleaf Penstemon, the Zauschneria Arizonica, and the blanketflowers? All big failures in our yard. But Pdad seldom talks about the failures (until I bring them up). Mostly, he notices the things that look nice.
So, because Pdad helped me carry out my vision, we have wasted a lot of money and will have many additional hours of work ahead of us. But I love our yard despite all the mistakes. And I so appreciate Pdad for allowing me to play artist on such a large scale. The canvas has been expensive and the mistakes are obvious, but I don’t regret doing it myself.* This yard is mine. And I am surprised to learn that if our yard is an unfinished novel, I am eager to continue to revise and delete and add. What fun, what excitement, what suspense! I look forward to the writing of it and I am glad that Pdad will be writing it with me.
* Let me be clear: The only part of the landscaping we did ourselves was the plant selection and installation. We have had a whole lot of earthmovers, sod installers, arborists, sprinkler layers, etc. to help us in the past few years. Bless them! And bless especially the man who suggested digging out our backyard rather than filling it in. Genius! Professionals can be very worthwhile.
I was cleaning the kitchen and noticed this in my fruit bowl:
I don’t know about you, but my fruit don’t usually have messages for me.
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Do you think this means I can put little “shut me” post-its on the cabinets? Perhaps that is too imperative mood. How about: “Would you like to shut me?” Or “Wouldn’t you like to shut me?” Maybe I should make a little sign for the apples to hold with toothpick arms. Their sign could say: “Wouldn’t you rather eat a cupcake?” like the cow at Chick-fil-A.
But perhaps that is the wrong direction to go with my apples. Perhaps they need a meeker, more on board with the nutrition program slogan like “You won’t regret eating me” or “Stop and think: Cheetos have fewer micronutrients.”
What do you think?
(This photo of Duncan is not recent, but it captures something that seemed relevant).
Pdad was out of town again. . .
I am Eeyore. Have you read the real Winnie-the-Pooh? there’s nothing wrong with Disney, but I am not talking about the short, simplified Disney version of Pooh. I am talking about A. A. Milne’s work in all its original glory. It is such a clever book, and if you are only familiar with the Disney Pooh (based on Milne’s, obviously) you will be amazed at how much there is for parents’ enjoyment.
Anyway, as I was saying, my tendency is Eeyorish. That is why I need this gratitude journal. The thing I am thankful for today is that for me at least, the cloud always lifts. If I am convinced that I am a terrible mother, my children are unlikable, my husband hates me, my marriage is not good–well, the next day it passes and all my sweet ones are lovable and loving and everything is okay with the world again.
When I feel like Eeyore, I need to remember to just go to sleep! Things will be better in the morning.
Update: I enjoyed this discussion of Eeyorish tendencies over at Mormon Mommy Wars. Be sure to read the comments.
Ugh. It’s very hard to write in my gratitude journal when I feel so low. I am down about Pdad and I parting ways on the voucher question. I guess I take it as a symbol of how different we are. I wish I could write a perky post about how I’m thankful for differences, but I really don’t feel that way. Accepting other’s differences, especially accepting the fact that Pdad and I are different people and that we are both okay–that is a battle I’m still fighting.
Anyway, I am thankful that I ate no Snickers bars today. I had a couple of Sweettarts.
Also, I got up very early, 6ish? (Although the sleep deprivation–Duncan was up repeatedly last night crying–might have something to do with my low mood).
Finally, I overdid it and made a German chocolate cake and the frosting from scratch this morning (for the bereaved family’s luncheon after the funeral)–despite no sleep and very, very needy children. Probably shouldna have. : ( But, if I were making a cake for my own family, I would not want to make one out of a mix. I would want to make the tastiest one I possibly could. I could do nothing to compensate for my friend’s family’s terrible loss, but I could put all my love and effort into a really good cake, so I did.
Later one of the church ladies dropped off my cake pan. She said she didn’t get any, but she heard from the family that it was excellent and my bereaved friend got the last piece and really liked it. (Not to be competitive or anything–but you know that’s who I am–there were lots of other cakes there). That made my day.
I am thankful that my sister was willing to come and help with Amelia’s Kool Klay project. (BTW: Koolaid does color playdough pleasingly, but the scent is not as strong as would be desirable). Her help made all the difference. It is funny to see how amazing Amelia thinks Sis is. I guess that’s related to the fact that she got all the talents I lack. Of course, as she explained to Amelia, she can sew because she took lessons. She can do origami because she works at it. She kneads well, because she has made hundreds of loaves of bread, etc. I know that I need to adopt more of a “You have the talent for it because you practice it mentality,” but I’m just not there yet. Notice that I heft 18 lb. Kate around all day. Yet, Sis, who does nothing of the sort, has unquestionably stronger arms. Practice doesn’t fix everything!
I am thankful that I am not the only person with “issues.” : ) I find it comforting to realize that my family of origin family members struggle with many of the same flaws that I do. It is comforting, because I realize that it is not just me, eccentric and alone, but somehow some of these things are just hardwired in. Now this isn’t to say that I have reason not to attempt change. Change would make me a calmer, happier person. So, I want change. But it is to realize that just as some are born as alcoholics, others are born as meddling OC control freaks (well, born, or maybe raised that way so that when they are 35, they struggle to see other ways). If I work, I can recover. ButI still I like knowing that it’s not just some weird evil awful eccentricity about me. I come by it quite naturally. Also, I find it helpful to spend time with similarly struggling family members, because it’s as though they hold up a mirror to myself and I can see better what it is I need to fix.
I hope all of this makes sense. I’m not trying to disparage family members, I’m trying to say that they make me feel that I’m not alone, and help me recognize how I still need to change.
I want to say more about how I’m thankful for Pdad and I’m thankful for being able to reason through things–we’ve been going over the voucher issue for hours–as things stand, our votes will cancel. It’s frustrating, but it’s nice too. It’s seldom the case that you get to follow out such an extended argument. I’ve enjoyed it. But I do wish I could sway him. I don’t like people I love believing things I think are wrong! I still don’t believe we’ve gotten down to the agree-to-disagree bottom of it. I still have more reasons, not just some inexplicable preference for my position.
Well, Kate is stirring, and it’s 3 a.m., so I have to go.
Pdad is back from his business trip, hurrah. I am thankful for having a husband that spends lots of time with me. I am thankful for a husband who loves me. I am thankful for a husband that is such a fabulous Dad.