Comments on: Be of good cheer? or Mourn with those who mourn?

By: Robin

Robin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:51:45 +0000

This is a very pertinent post for me, because I just found out this morning that a close friend of my brother’s passed away a couple of hours ago from complications due to the H1N1 flu. It also brings to mind the experience of my husband’s family when his father passed away from cancer. Many of the comments people made to my mother-in-law in an effort to “cheer her up” were extremely offensive to her. They seemed to imply that she shouldn’t be sad because her husband died. Of course she should be sad! Let her be sad! Grieving is a healthy manifestation of emotion at the time of a tragedy, whether to ourselves or others. It shows how much the lost loved one meant to you, or the realization that your life will never be the same due to a serious illness. When you tell someone who has received tragic news to cheer up, you are invalidating their feelings. Think how you would feel. What people want is a listening ear, a hug, a hand to hold.

There will come a time when they have moved through the first stages of grief that they will look for someone to help them keep their spirits up, but not immediately after the tragedy. I think “mourn with those who mourn” just means to put ourselves in other’s shoes and try to feel with them. If we “do unto others as you would have done to you”, we will always know the right thing to say.

By: Lis

Lis — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:38:03 +0000

I think that’s a tough call. There are times when you need someone else to commiserate with. Sometimes a simple “I know this must be really hard” goes a long way. When Davis was in the ER I was really scared because I thought he was dying. Honestly when it was all said and done I was having a hard time dealing with the emotions I had built up while he was sick, but when I would talk to people about it they would say things like, “well just be glad he isn’t diabetic like my child” or “my sister has a serious mental illness and that’s a lot worse.” Those kind of answers just made me really mad because I felt as if they were telling my my fears and concerns weren’t as important as theirs. Looking back I can tell that they weren’t meant that way, but my emotions were so raw at the time it was hard for me to listen to.

But on the other side, I think that you can wallow in your fears and frustrations and sadness. At some point you have to pick yourself up and move on. If you’re having a hard time moving on you may need a good friend to tell you to do so.

By: liz

liz — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 14:58:59 +0000

I listened to that interview, too, and had an interesting discussion with my mother, who has had breast cancer (among other things), about it. I’d like to read Barbara Ehrenreich’s book to understand more about her point of view. I think, as others have commented, that there is certainly a time to be sad and frustrated, even within an otherwise happy life. When my father-in-law was dying, my mother-in-law, who is probably the most positive person I know, would regularly acknowledge how hard it was, and though they were getting through it with faith, they were sad and cried every day. I think Ehrenreich said something to the effect that the opposite of being unfailingly positive is not being negative and pessimistic. It is being real. I’d like to always come back to a place where feeling positive, happy, and joyful is a real feeling, not a forced or a fake one. But there is often sadness, anger, frustration along the way. And that is the way life is supposed to be — it’s an important part of our mortal experience.
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By: sharon

sharon — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:19:59 +0000

I think “mourn with those who mourn” acknowledges that at times we do, in fact, have cause to mourn. And I think that is okay…. as long as it isfor a time and not a way of life. I don’t think we need to dismiss sorrow immediately. When the friend or family member to whom you confide tender fears/frustrations/anxieties is unable or unwilling to commiserate a moment without proferring advice or the equivalent of an admonition to “suck it up” it stinks. Life can be hard. Admitting that isn’t going to keep anyone from finding solutions (probably already identified) or moving forward. What it does for me is make me feel supported. Understood. Loved.

By: Frank

Frank — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 12:02:18 +0000

Great thoughts. I feel that there is a time for both. At the news of Lazarus’ death, Jesus both wept and admonished faith in the resurrection. So I’ll go with situational.

By: Zina

Zina — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 06:25:34 +0000

This is a topic I could write my own essay on (and have at least verbally monologued about before.) My wrists aren’t up to typing all that right now, so I’ll try to limit my response a little.

I’m someone who frequently solves problems through venting. Talking about things both makes me feel better (especially if I have a compassionate listener) and also very often leads me to discover solutions. I don’t think that being of good cheer doesn’t mean talking about what’s hard or even miserable; it means believing and acting as though a solution can be found (eventually,) comfort can be had (eventually,) and that ultimately things will work out according to the Lord’s plan. And, personality-wise I tend to be far more likely to listen and commiserate than to try to steer the conversation to a more cheerful-seeming bent–although it’s probably sometimes very helpful for someone to be offered an alternate perception of things (as long as they don’t feel dismissed or belittled.)

Also, amongst the prophets there are plenty of melancholic types to offset the more sunny ones — like Jacob in the Book of Mormon who talks about how they “mourned out their days” as a “solitary” people, or Nephi who says “Oh wretched man that I am,” because of the sins that he says “easily beset” him. But Nephi also balances acknowledgment of his woes with reminding himself of how blessed he’s been and how much he has to be grateful for, and Jacob had a powerful witness of the Savior and faith in His salvation. So I think true cheerfulness balances open acknowledgment of things that are just plain hard, grievous, or challenging against an ultimate faith in Christ.

(Believe it or not, that really is the much-shortened version of the cheerfulness essay I’ve had in my mind for a while. But I think it touches on all the main points.)
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