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“Be of good cheer” or “Mourn with those who mourn” or both? Doubtless I’m a peddler of false dichotomies . . .
This week I visited a neighbor at a local care facility. She had a stroke. Strokes are no fun. Recovering from a stroke is a lot of hard, painful work. My neighbor mentioned that she wouldn’t wish this experience on a worst enemy. I believe her. But I responded with as many sunny things to say as I could think of. “Oh, this is such a nice facility–brand new–you are so lucky! “Oh, it sounds like you have a great physical therapist!” “You have wonderful daughters, don’t you?”
Suddenly, I remembered the Barbara Ehrenreich interview I had listened to on NPR that morning. She talked about her experience with breast cancer. As Ehrenreich tried to talk about her suffering with friends and acquaintances she found they all told her to look on the bright side. One person said she should consider the cancer experience “a gift.” She found these reactions incredibly frustrating. She wanted (needed?) others to acknowledge how scary her cancer was, how terrible it was that this was happening to her, and to agree with her about the barbarity of the treatments. Instead she got saccharine chin-up exercises.
Ehrenreich is highly secular. But my religious beliefs counsel sharing suffering with others as well. A Book of Mormon prophet named Alma asks his people if they are ready to enter the fold of God and be called his people. He further asks if they are “willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things” (Mosiah 18:9) He suggests that if they are ready to do these things (in addition to a few others), they are ready for baptism.
As a Christian, I want to mourn with those who mourn and comfort those who need comfort. If I visit a sick person, a friend who has just divorced, or an unemployed relative, and offer nothing but happy-think, am I failing at the empathy the Gospel demands? Am I failing the requirements of friendship? Am I failing as a sister?
Perhaps the answer is situational. Sometimes you need someone to listen to your tale of woe. Other times you need someone who cares about you enough to tell you to stop wallowing. What do you think?
One of the callers on the radio program pointed out that while both Ehrenreich and a cancer victim who embraced happy-think might have recovered, the other victim is now enjoying life while Ehrenreich is still angry. If happy-think ultimately leaves someone better off (happier or more productive or better able to move on with life), is it always best to be the friend that encourages happy-think or does compassion sometimes demand otherwise?
Let’s table the friend conundrum. Is being sad and angry okay? Should we always be trying to get ourselves to a happier, more cheery mindset? Is it appropriate and proper to acknowledge that suffering hurts, that some things just suck? Christ teaches us in the New Testament that “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) To “be of good cheer” is a common scriptural imperative. Christ says it to his disciples on the stormy sea. Paul is counseled thus on his way to Rome. Some of the most beautiful cheer imperatives are found in the Doctrine and Covenants [LDS Scripture]:
Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come. D&C 68:6
Ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. D&C 78:18
Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed. D&C 123:17
These verses seem to suggest that faith brings cheer. Doubtless that is so. But is there room there for the experience of suffering? How does it work?
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6 Responses to “Be of good cheer? or Mourn with those who mourn?”
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This is a topic I could write my own essay on (and have at least verbally monologued about before.) My wrists aren’t up to typing all that right now, so I’ll try to limit my response a little.
I’m someone who frequently solves problems through venting. Talking about things both makes me feel better (especially if I have a compassionate listener) and also very often leads me to discover solutions. I don’t think that being of good cheer doesn’t mean talking about what’s hard or even miserable; it means believing and acting as though a solution can be found (eventually,) comfort can be had (eventually,) and that ultimately things will work out according to the Lord’s plan. And, personality-wise I tend to be far more likely to listen and commiserate than to try to steer the conversation to a more cheerful-seeming bent–although it’s probably sometimes very helpful for someone to be offered an alternate perception of things (as long as they don’t feel dismissed or belittled.)
Also, amongst the prophets there are plenty of melancholic types to offset the more sunny ones — like Jacob in the Book of Mormon who talks about how they “mourned out their days” as a “solitary” people, or Nephi who says “Oh wretched man that I am,” because of the sins that he says “easily beset” him. But Nephi also balances acknowledgment of his woes with reminding himself of how blessed he’s been and how much he has to be grateful for, and Jacob had a powerful witness of the Savior and faith in His salvation. So I think true cheerfulness balances open acknowledgment of things that are just plain hard, grievous, or challenging against an ultimate faith in Christ.
(Believe it or not, that really is the much-shortened version of the cheerfulness essay I’ve had in my mind for a while. But I think it touches on all the main points.)
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Great thoughts. I feel that there is a time for both. At the news of Lazarus’ death, Jesus both wept and admonished faith in the resurrection. So I’ll go with situational.
I think “mourn with those who mourn” acknowledges that at times we do, in fact, have cause to mourn. And I think that is okay…. as long as it isfor a time and not a way of life. I don’t think we need to dismiss sorrow immediately. When the friend or family member to whom you confide tender fears/frustrations/anxieties is unable or unwilling to commiserate a moment without proferring advice or the equivalent of an admonition to “suck it up” it stinks. Life can be hard. Admitting that isn’t going to keep anyone from finding solutions (probably already identified) or moving forward. What it does for me is make me feel supported. Understood. Loved.
I listened to that interview, too, and had an interesting discussion with my mother, who has had breast cancer (among other things), about it. I’d like to read Barbara Ehrenreich’s book to understand more about her point of view. I think, as others have commented, that there is certainly a time to be sad and frustrated, even within an otherwise happy life. When my father-in-law was dying, my mother-in-law, who is probably the most positive person I know, would regularly acknowledge how hard it was, and though they were getting through it with faith, they were sad and cried every day. I think Ehrenreich said something to the effect that the opposite of being unfailingly positive is not being negative and pessimistic. It is being real. I’d like to always come back to a place where feeling positive, happy, and joyful is a real feeling, not a forced or a fake one. But there is often sadness, anger, frustration along the way. And that is the way life is supposed to be — it’s an important part of our mortal experience.
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I think that’s a tough call. There are times when you need someone else to commiserate with. Sometimes a simple “I know this must be really hard” goes a long way. When Davis was in the ER I was really scared because I thought he was dying. Honestly when it was all said and done I was having a hard time dealing with the emotions I had built up while he was sick, but when I would talk to people about it they would say things like, “well just be glad he isn’t diabetic like my child” or “my sister has a serious mental illness and that’s a lot worse.” Those kind of answers just made me really mad because I felt as if they were telling my my fears and concerns weren’t as important as theirs. Looking back I can tell that they weren’t meant that way, but my emotions were so raw at the time it was hard for me to listen to.
But on the other side, I think that you can wallow in your fears and frustrations and sadness. At some point you have to pick yourself up and move on. If you’re having a hard time moving on you may need a good friend to tell you to do so.
This is a very pertinent post for me, because I just found out this morning that a close friend of my brother’s passed away a couple of hours ago from complications due to the H1N1 flu. It also brings to mind the experience of my husband’s family when his father passed away from cancer. Many of the comments people made to my mother-in-law in an effort to “cheer her up” were extremely offensive to her. They seemed to imply that she shouldn’t be sad because her husband died. Of course she should be sad! Let her be sad! Grieving is a healthy manifestation of emotion at the time of a tragedy, whether to ourselves or others. It shows how much the lost loved one meant to you, or the realization that your life will never be the same due to a serious illness. When you tell someone who has received tragic news to cheer up, you are invalidating their feelings. Think how you would feel. What people want is a listening ear, a hug, a hand to hold.
There will come a time when they have moved through the first stages of grief that they will look for someone to help them keep their spirits up, but not immediately after the tragedy. I think “mourn with those who mourn” just means to put ourselves in other’s shoes and try to feel with them. If we “do unto others as you would have done to you”, we will always know the right thing to say.