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When is it a good idea to give advice to other people?
Are there any situations in which one is obligated to offer an opinion? When is it non-obligatory to give advice, yet still a better choice (supererogatory) than not giving advice, when is it merely acceptable to give advice, and when is it best morally speaking (not answering the question of your own better comfort) not to offer any advice at all?
How do these questions intersect with the question of how well you know the person in question, whether that person asked for input, and what the nature of the topic in question is?
I ask because the other day I overheard one woman ask another woman (who was clearly a stranger to the first woman) a question about swimming lessons at the Fitness Center. I knew the answer to her question, the woman she asked did not. Not only did I know the answer to her question, I could have told her a lot more. All in all, the stuff I thought about telling her was stuff I really wish some more knowledgeable, more experienced mother would have told me when my kids first started their swimming lessons a couple of years ago. But no one did. And I heard this woman’s question, and thought over all the things that would be of benefit for her to know, and I remained silent.
I have a friend who reads this blog, S., and I was thinking about it later: What would S. do? And I reflected that no way would she have said nothing. S. would have said something, and she would have said it in a way that made the other person laugh–possibly thinking she was a tiny bit overbearing, yet funny, but more likely so grateful for the helpful information. But I am not S. I’m too earnest. I offer opinions too vigorously and without humor. It puts people off.
Often we withhold our advice or opinions in favor of the potential advisee. It’s easy to become the subject of unwanted advice, and knowing that, we spare the unknowingly lucky almost-victim. That’s a good move, a sound decision. But I’m interested in that other scenario: those times when we withhold information or opinons to benefit ourselves.
How do we benefit? We benefit in that it is easier to be silent than to be embarrassed. Withholding information seldom embarrasses or disgraces you. Keeping quiet doesn’t put people off. Talking, and especially opining, can and does. But what is morally better? Comfort isn’t the question. Surely I didn’t have an obligation to share what I knew with this stranger who didn’t direct her question to me? But the Golden Rule might suggest that I need to. Do I? Or would I simply have been a better person if I’d overcome my reticence and fear of rejection to share with her? Or is the risk of offering unwanted thoughts so high, that choosing silence is never a bad choice? What do you think?
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6 Responses to “Motherly Advice”
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Good question. I think about it too. I don’t know. Sometimes I ask people’s advice just to make conversation and I always end up with some really good ideas.
Hmmmm…
A lot of people look askance at unsolicited advice… even if it’s particularly good advice. Most people recognize this and behave themselves. Then there’s me. Choosing silence is something I frequently resolve to do more often. A few years back I participated in one of those personality inventory sessions and was horrified when a casual friend said she would have pegged me first as dominant. I found out that it’s not an uncommon perception of an “expressive expressive” personality.
So while you question your reticence, I worry about being perceived as overbearing, pushy, or generally obnoxious. I admire the soft-spoken, the gracious, the ones who measure their words.
But then again, I’ve always wanted straight hair — and I bet you like curls.
>What do you think?
How far does this “you” extend? To anyone who reads this post? I don’t want to answer if I’m not part of the intended audience.
I think you should have gone ahead and told her – it probably would have been helpful! I think it would have been nicer to do so than not (”nicer” is highly technical ethical terminology, ahem). On the other hand, I don’t think it was a huge big deal that you didn’t, if it would have made you uncomfortable, because surely the woman will have her own experiences with the swimming lessons and other people will end up giving her their (solicited or un) advice. However, if you actually would have liked to give her the advice and didn’t, that’s really a shame!
Philosophically I think advice-giving is justified when the likelihood of its doing harm is low and the possibility of its doing good exists. Harm goes two ways – to you through embarrassment or anxiety at risking a bad reaction (”Who asked you anyway!) or to the advisee through annoyance. The likelihood of harm is something you have to judge. I also think you display more faith in humanity by offering the advice and assuming it won’t create harm. Most people are actually nice and, moreover, most people assume others mean well unless there is evidence to the contrary; hence, most people, I think, would be grateful for your well-meant advice.
Just from personal experience- when strangers give advice that is really more like criticism, then I feel offended ( i.e. “You really should have a hat on that baby!”) But when it is friendly help and especially if I had just asked the question then stranger advice is most welcome (i.e. “The BART platform you want is over there…”)
And yes, I would definitely take advice from you Pmom!
that’s such a good question, I wonder about that sometimes! Sometimes people aren’t even looking for advice when they ask questions like that,it’s such a strange phenomena to me. Well, I think you would seem that you were only meaning to help, you don’t strike me as someone who would intend to give your opinion to seem better than another. you are far too kindhearted.
I would most definitely take your advice!