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Yesterday, at My Imaginary Blog, Zina mentioned what she termed some “some less-than-shining parenting moments.” Honestly, her post disturbed me, because the “moments” she described seemed perfectly normal to me and I was hard-pressed to think of what a better parent would have done in her situation. Please share your ideas for how to handle these common Mommy Shopping situations.
To simplify, I will recap here: Mom does desperation visit to Target with two small children in tow. Special circumstances: Mom is sick, kids are sick. Mom is also pregnant and therefore mobility impaired.
1. RESTROOM VISIT: Mom needs to use the restroom. She takes the small children inside the stall with her and instructs them not to open the door until she’s ready. They open the door (before she’s ready, of course) and she says, “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.” The other child opens the door: “DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.” The first child then opens the door again. ”DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.”
Advice? What could a Mom do better in this situation? Obviously, it’s optimal to avoid using the restroom while bearing solitary responsibility for two small children. But often this is not possible. Then what?
I argue that taking the children into the stall was the only viable choice [If you have a wanderer, it is unsafe to leave her in the restroom as she might leave. If you have a toilet bowl water swisher, you will not want to leave her in the restroom unattended. Leaving small children outside the restroom is out of the question.]
If your child opens the door of the stall you will want her to shut it and you will feel urgent about this. Adopting an imperative tone and caps lock type of voice is natural. Would it be better to overcome this instinct and whisper?
Repeating the same request three times is not optimal.
What are the mother’s other options? Since she is busy using the facilities she cannot physically intervene. Is there anything she could do after the fact? What is an appropriate consequence for a child who opens the door? Who does it more than once? If she is 2? If he is 4?
2. SHOPPING CART GERM WARFARE: Small sick child coughs all over grocery cart.
Again, sub-optimal as this may infect the next user of the cart, but what are the alternatives? What would wonder-mama do? Don’t even wonder mamas have to take sick children shopping sometimes?
3. PURCHASES INFLUENCED BY YOUNG LOBBYIST
4 year old asks for various cookies and other treats. Mom asks kids to put them back and stop touching things. 4 year old then requests brightly colored Dora popsicles. Mom initially says no, but then 4 year old becomes unhappy and claims she is never allowed to choose. She sits on a shelf in a self-imposed timeout in protest. Mom examines the package and concludes the Dora popsicles may not be as toxic as she had feared. Further they are a good bargain. She withdraws her original refusal and allows the 4 year old to choose the Dora popsicles.
Again, sub-optimal. This is probably the most questionable Mom behavior on the list. By buying the popsicles is Mom corrupting her youthful lobbyist? Is she teaching her that pouting is the way to get Dora popsicles or whatever she wants? Is this a shameless and shameful bribe? Or is Mom showing that “inconsistency is the hobgoblin of little minds” (Emerson) and demonstrating her flexibility and willingness to change initial judgments based on additional information? Perhaps she is even honoring the 4 year old by showing respect for her desires and opinions. What do you think? Is it important not to show respect for a 4 year old’s opinions until she leaves her self-imposed timeout? Would it be better to just say no to the treat altogether? Is there some discussion that would make it okay?
Readers, what do you think? I don’t think Zina did such a bad job, but she feels that had she had more energy and not been so sick, she probably could have done better. What would doing better look like? How do you handle difficult shopping situations with young children?
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8 Responses to “How to Parent a 4 Year Old”
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Aren’t you both right: She didn’t do a bad job, and if she’d had more energy and not been sick, she could have done better. But the conditional is, as the philosophers say, counterfactual. She didn’t have more energy, and she was sick.
Talk about beating yourself up! The mom in question didn’t have a meltdown in the middle of the store, no children were abused, groceries and medicines were purchased, and her own privacy was (somewhat) preserved in a public restroom…What other criteria of success can there possible be in these situations? The energy and anxiety devoted to making perfect parenting decisions (which are impossible to make, since parenting decisions are about practicality and suitability and cannot be judged against an absolute standard) would probably be more productive if channeled toward seeking inner fulfillment so the children can see a happy mom, which will have much more long-term influence than the occasional lapse in popsicle boundaries.
when someone does a pretty good job but tells people they wish they could have done better it sometimes reflects the fact that what they want to hear from other people is “no. you really did the best job you could have.” This is not totally different from someone who puts on a dress and says “boy do I look fat in this” when in fact they don’t look fat in it but they like hearing in response “no you don’t …you look great.”
Hmmm… I have to say that from a distance and not knowing the people involved, my perhaps uncharitable thoughts were quite similar to Pdad’s. Really, is that all she’s got? I myself don’t share my least-stellar examples of mothering because they go beyond unflattering to get-her-some-help territory. : )
That said, I feel her pain. It aint easy shopping with small kids, and many members of the general public seem to have forgotten that or never personally experienced the potential hideousness of the experience. I remember once needing to find some item of clothing to flatter/disquise a post-baby body and one of my lovely girls protesting energetically, accompanied by loud sighs (huffs and puffs) from the adjacent dressing room. I vividly recall thinking how unkind this reaction was.
I think the feeling of “there is a better way I could have handled this” is a common one. I think it is interesting that often when we believe there is a better way that we could have handled something, upon reflection we can’t come up with anything specific–assuming that none of the circumstances were changed. In other words, yes repeating oneself loudly three times isn’t great, but if it turns out that there isn’t any credible alternative, then that is a valuable realization.
That said, I should have focused on the third scenario which is the most interesting simply because there probably are things that Zina could have done better in that situation. (Obviously I mention this not to suggest that Zina failed as a mother that day–ridiculous! she did great under the circumstances) but to figure out a few things about better mothering that I might be able to apply myself.
I think it is important to retain the flexibility to be able to change one’s mind when presented with new information. On the other hand, it is never a good idea to put a child’s poor behavior in control of a situation–or to allow it to seem that way to the child.
Zina here — I’m still sick so am just now mustering the energy to reply.
I think the fishing-for-compliments charge is fair, except for that I do think my pointing out that this wasn’t my ideal parenting scenario was based not just in vanity but also in optimism — optimism that, under better circumstances and with better mental and physical energy to respond, I could get through a shopping trip with preschoolers and not feel so helpless. Pmom did ask my permission before posting this,and this was part of my response:
I would only defend my own “less-than-shining parenting” assessment
as that under less-sick circumstances there might have been things I could
have done differently — not in the bathroom stall, which is just life with
kids even if embarrassing, (actually I’d love to think of a consequence for
that one, but am drawing a blank,) and as far as the cart I could have
bought wipes and wiped it down but didn’t think of that possibility, but
mainly that if I had had more energy I would have liked to have thought of
responses to Rose’s ignoring me and then followed through — like making her
sit in the shopping cart after she kept touching things when I’d told her
not to, or telling her I would buy something for her but only if she obeyed
me throughout the shopping trip, and then making good on my threat. Things
like that. I really *don’t* feel bad about this particular trip, which
really was all I could do just to get through, but I like to think of what I
would do differently if I had more energy.
I do like the “conditional is counterfactual” statement, and I’m sure there will be other strenuous shopping trips in my future, but I hope there will also be others where I respond less helplessly.
I did come up with one possible solution to the bathroom-door problem: I could carry toddler handcuffs or a roll of duct tape with me and immobilize their hands whenever I have to take them into the stall with me.
fwiw, I think that if someone does tell a story partly motivated by a desire for reassurance that isn’t a bad thing. I’m sure mommy blogging time everywhere is time well spent even if it didn’t result in finding cool new ideas like snowflake tortillas (pmom, when will we get to see that post?)–even if it only resulted in reassurance for moms when deserved and needed.
Hmmm…. “mommy blogging time.” Good thing I like you, Pdad. : )